[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
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I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”