Stop.
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10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*