Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
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Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
it’s a van. how do they not know this
I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
What my back needs
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now