Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
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Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
それは草
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.