Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

Chefs: you eat with your eyes first

Me, eating with my mouth: oh no

Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

my sixth grade gifted program class had to do presentations on our favorite US presidents. i procrastinated until the due date and chose nixon last-minute because i thought his last name sounded cool. i discovered watergate halfway through making the powerpoint but held my ground

Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.