Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.

Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you

I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: not really, no

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

[Trapped on a Island]

*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”

*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

Condiments that would be cute baby names:

Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.