[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
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“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa