@iinkedZombie

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

- @iinkedZombie

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ABC NEWS: Bees fly and make honey
FOX: Islamic insects attacking Texas
CNN: flying warbirds create liquid yellow weapons of mass destruction

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Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admitnThey are wrong. nnSidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

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Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.

@dorsalstream

When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”

@bourgeoisalien

Sex Tip: if a guy tells you you’re hot during sex, ask him to define his parameters for beauty because physical attraction is subjective

@Rlpihl

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

@ThisOneSayz

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

@3sunzzz

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

@WritePlay

“What an awesome body-”

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@protolalia

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.