[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
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White Castle for the Win
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Lmfao
sliding into dms like
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.