Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.

Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?

Lemming: Just trust me, ok?

[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

When does CPR become necrophilia?

I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

Your restraining order says NO

But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha

ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter