Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?

Money is the root of all wealth

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.

Does it…does it take 3 days

My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.

I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.