Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
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Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Unmatched
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant