Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Whispers in random chicks ear

“I have pizza in the van”

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin

It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”

Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?

Director: you mean a choir?

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

the noise i just made

Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?