Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
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During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”