stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
You Might Also Like
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Why are the produce aisles empty but the booze aisles fully stocked? I guess I’m in luck!
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I found your tweet-up…
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.