Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

[Going through customs]

Anything to declare, sir?

1…2…

Sir, what are you–

3…4…I declare a thumb war!

Oh bring it on

*misses flight*

One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.

Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight

[11:00pm] yay i did it!

[11:01pm] *preheats oven*

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket