Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.

[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]

Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM

Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”

Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?

WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer

ME: Eels

Regular gangs give you a nickname

Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name

I am having an out of money experience.

my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.

The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW

ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…