Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
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Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.