Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
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Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
why isn’t he texting back
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.