stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
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Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.