stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
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I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
*exercises sarcastically*
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything