Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
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I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
British websites use biscuits.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
You look like you would fail a DNA test
If snakes were wide
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand