Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
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SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Miscakes
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic