Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
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Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
who did the taste test?
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.