Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

[7 minutes in heaven]

Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha

Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you

Sloth 911: What’s your emergency

[1 week later]

Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT

[1 week later]

Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month

Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on

Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.

Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

Mosquito *bites a vampire*:

Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!

It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story

Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.

I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.

serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.

eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it