stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
You Might Also Like
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I’m delusional but self aware, I call that Delaware.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder