stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
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Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
wut hotdog?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.