Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!

bird keeper: ok hear me out.

ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”

AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad

ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox

“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

[Kids party]

Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?

Me: yep

[Backyard]

Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup

WAITER: Yes

ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world

WAITER: Yes

ME: My compliments to the chef

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.