Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand

My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

do u think theres a butter planet?

“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.

May he RIP in peace.

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

i drive home so quick after work like i’m late for the house

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Me when someone tries to get to know me

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

How does someone manage that 🤨

What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people