Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
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Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent