Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

No, you hang up first.

Me to Pizza Hut

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?

I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.

Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?

A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.

And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”

I’m so emb-

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

[Checking into hotel]

WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-

ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please