*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
You Might Also Like
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]