Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured

Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos

My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.

Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

[Job interview]

employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!

me: I hope that’s ok-

emp: when can he start?

me: WHAT?!

cat: meow

emp: great!

me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!

waiter: any water for the table

me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.

married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me

the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.