*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
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I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Pizza is an emotion right?
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?