*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
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How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
i want enemies
Breaking news:
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
giddy up Office Depot
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.