Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

BETRAYAL

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.

ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?

DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….

Ther’s safety in numb bears

ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

“Scalpel.”

“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-

Romeo: LIFE

Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?

Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?

~ asking for my cat

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.

Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.

ㅤ

What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”