*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
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If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
per my last wtf
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*