Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.

🤣😂

Camel dough

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

I’d … I’d rather not.

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?

Me: What?

5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

Imma just leave this here…………

nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.