*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
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Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
*lint rolls you awake*
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here