*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
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I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…