Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
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[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Who called it baking and not making love
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
My current situation
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?