Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!

My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!

She’s now Japaniece!

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.

When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.

im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

breakfast, the most important beer of the day

I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

making my dog give me my pills

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply