Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle

you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?

[inventing worcestershire ​sauce]

Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.

Perrins: That might work.

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.

A haiku about getting the kids up for school:

Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus

Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?

I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.

So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.

Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless

Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

*London, 1592*

Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order

Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?

Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*

MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck