[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
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An escape room, but it’s trying to find a specialist in your network who is less than 147 miles away.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.