Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t get angry…

…get pizza.

Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!

I said STOP RUNNING!

STOP RUNN..

YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!

I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.

😂💯

Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!

Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”

Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.

Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?

Me: Obviously.

[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.