*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
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A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Optional boss fight.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.