Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT SIGN IS SHE

If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse

Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here

do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?

Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.

.

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing

about to have the best blueberries of my life

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.

Our shared calendar.

At least he already knows not to expect much.

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.