*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
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Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
this makes me so uncomfortable
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”