*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
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“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
😜
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I saw nothing
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.