*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
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[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
This hospital has everything
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?