Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”

[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]

And here we have yet another breakfast niche

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club

It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]

COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!

COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*

cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion

Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.

“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

Coffee is cheaper than bail

Starbucks – You sure about that?

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me: