Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.

My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.

what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

*at the vet*

me: my new cat won’t stop hissing

vet: ma’am this is a cockroach

me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off

I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old

shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.

when u come home smelling like another dog

Cartman: Respect my
a a

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?