Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.

Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.

If you haven’t heard about shorts yet

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.

Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.