Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.

the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to

I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg

Me: I can’t sleep

My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

Thanks to a fan for this one.

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters