Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

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In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.


[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times


I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.


[brainstorming movie scripts]

WRITER: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

STEPHEN KING: what if it’s an evil dress


If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.


and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work


When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.


There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button


I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.


5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!