Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
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I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I need to update my racial profile.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?