Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

*dangling legs in the ocean*

🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.

smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4

ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?

BOSS: Well, yes.

ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?

Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener