store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
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A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
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twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
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My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed