Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want

Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.

Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

“What’s wrong with you?”

Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?

Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

him: 911, what’s your emergency

me: a home invasion

him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes

me: they’re armed

him: 5 minutes

me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under

swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

Thank you 🥹

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

you will never know the true number of layers

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…

being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work

You an Obituary liar.

That means you DEAD@$$ lying

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”

– Hipthter

Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego

…and send