Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
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divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Nomnomnomnom
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.