Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
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older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Karate and loose meat sandwiches.
Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.
All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
buys donuts instead
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.