Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
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I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Lunatics are gonna loon.
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
Mornin. * use accordingly
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
This is I, Robot all over again
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
This guy’s not having it 😆
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]