Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
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Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”