Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
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Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
*gets down on one knee*
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this