Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
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2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
