Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”

The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

You know what comes after “leg day”?

Can’t walk up or down stairs day

Facebook memories be like

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?

optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater

My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.

We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.

I am just a man.

Standing in front of a cat.

Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.

[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?

Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*

Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-

*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*

Her *softly* holy shit

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

this could fix me