[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
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My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
new career option?
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
