Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
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Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Grow up never but we old may grow we
