Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
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I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
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[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
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I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Me trying to “trust the process”
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The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.