Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
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Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.