Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
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the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??