Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
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[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
